


Look at me, please

by Larrylove_in_Narnia



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Boss Louis, Car Accidents, Closets, Doctor Harry, Doctor Niall, Doctors & Physicians, Fluff, Grey's Anatomy References, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Inspired by Grey's Anatomy, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, Paramedic Liam, Surgery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 03:07:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3594078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larrylove_in_Narnia/pseuds/Larrylove_in_Narnia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: Though I did a lot of research on that topic, I have absolutely not understood anything of how the medical education in Britain works. So most of what you're going to read is adapted from Grey's Anatomy and what I know from my mum (who's a doctor but in Germany so she has as much of a clue about the British way as me). Also, I don't know much about medical treatments. All I know is either from my paramedic course or the internet which surely isn't a lot. I ask you to be lenient and read nevertheless because I'm putting heaps of effort and research into this. Thank you!</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Though I did a lot of research on that topic, I have absolutely not understood anything of how the medical education in Britain works. So most of what you're going to read is adapted from Grey's Anatomy and what I know from my mum (who's a doctor but in Germany so she has as much of a clue about the British way as me). Also, I don't know much about medical treatments. All I know is either from my paramedic course or the internet which surely isn't a lot. I ask you to be lenient and read nevertheless because I'm putting heaps of effort and research into this. Thank you!

**Harry**

It’s a rainy Sunday in March and I’ve just finished my last surgery of my 48h-shift. I pull off my surgical mask and throw it into the garbage bin as I leave the OR. I’m in my second year of being an intern in surgery, so now I assist in cooler surgeries than last year. Though I did get to assist in some cool ones too as my boyfriend is my boss, Dr. Tomlinson. We’re talking about moving in together because I almost always sleep at his place. The only times we don’t share the bed at night are when one of us has to work.

I can say that I’m almost completely happy with my life at the moment. The only thing bugging my happiness is that Louis isn’t. He’s still grieving about his best friend who passed away two months ago after getting into a horrible car crash. It’s getting better with every day, though.

Apropos boyfriend, as I walk to the changing room to get changed and go home, I see him sitting next to a patient’s bed in the IC, so I stop and lean against the doorframe to the room. I wonder what he’s doing there. I don’t hear what he’s saying over the noise of a heart alarm going off in another room and people hurrying to that room, but I see his mouth moving. I want to go to him but for some reason which I can’t explain, I don’t. I just stay in my place at the doorframe. I don’t know why but suddenly I remember my first shift in this hospital.

_Lying face down in my cushions, I woke up by the sound of my alarm going off. I grunted a little while reaching out for my phone to stop it from raping my ears. Then suddenly I remembered what day it was and I was wide awake. Right. Today was my first day at St. Martin’s hospital, Bristol; my first day as an ongoing doctor in a real hospital with real patients now that I was in third year of medical school._

_I went through my morning routine thinking about what the day might have in store for me. Even though I had been waiting for and looking forward to this day since, like, ever, I was getting really nervous now that the day had finally arrived. What if I already killed somebody on my first day? Or even worse, what if it was too much for me to handle, seeing all those people suffering meaning the past two years had been for the birds?_

_I knew I was being irrational, though, so I told myself to suck it and to just wait. That was when I looked at the clock and realised I had to leave now or I’d be late. Getting up from my place at the kitchen table, I emptied what was left of my coffee in one sip and grabbed my backpack. In the corridor, I put on my shoes and finally left my little flat, locking the door behind me. I jumped down the stairs and exited the building onto the streets of Bristol. It was quite cold for a September morning, but at least it wasn’t raining._

_It was only a few blocks to walk from my flat to the hospital, so after a few minutes I already stood in front of the huge building I was going to spend most of the next few years in. Another wave of nervousness pumped through my veins._

_Suddenly, I felt somebody patting my back once and heard a familiar voice chanting: “Mornin’, Harry.”_

_I turned to see Niall, a close friend I knew from university, in front of me, as usual a big smile spread across his face. I greeted back and said awkwardly: “So today’s the big day, heu?”_

_Niall nodded, his smile vanishing just a little bit, showing he was just as nervous as me. “Yeah... Damn, I’m nervous,” he said chuckling slightly._

_“Me too, like, whoa! Two years of studying our asses off and now we’re actually getting to treat patients. I just... wow,” I said, suddenly filled with disbelief and excitement and nervousness all at the same time. Niall laughed a little, probably at how fast I said that, but nodded._

_“Yeah it’s unreal, really!” He added, “Let’s get inside; I don’t wanna be late on my first day.”_

_I nodded and together we made our ways inside, struggling at first to find the dressing room, so eventually we ended up being last minute anyway. Just as we found the lockers with our names on it, a doctor wearing dark blue scrubs, meaning he was a consultant, walked in._

_Without even greeting our crowd of 20 young interns, he called out Niall and me while we were grabbing our light green scrubs from our lockers, “Hey, you two back there, the blonde and the curly! Why are you not dressed yet?”_

_When Niall opened his mouth to reply, the doctor cut him off, “I don’t want to hear any excuses!” Checking his watch he added, “You should’ve been ready two minutes ago. What can happen in two minutes? Ask a patient with a cut femoral artery. Oh wait you can’t as he has bled to death in the meantime. If you want to be a doctor, being late is not an option.”_

_If I hadn’t looked at my feet feeling guilty and ashamed for being called out like that on my first day, I would have seen the looks of shock on my colleagues’ faces about the strictness of our new boss whose name we didn’t even know. I felt them all looking at us two, though, so I looked at Niall searching for help. But his face and ears had changed to a dark shade of red and he just looked at his feet, too._

_“What are you waiting for?! Get dressed!” our boss shouted at us, so we both stripped down our street clothes and put on our scrubs as fast as possible._

_Meanwhile, he introduced himself, “I’m Dr. Tomlinson and I’m your consultant for this shift. If I page you, you run. If I run, you run. If a patient is dying, you run. Follow me.” With that he turned around and left the room, and all of us young doctors followed him like a bunch of sheep surrounded by the sheepdog as they are driven into the sheepcote. Nobody dared to say just a single word; only glances of uncertainty were exchanged between each other._

_Walking to a patient’s room, Dr. Tomlinson continued to speak without looking at the crowd following him, “The next year will mainly consist of you running to patients and trying not to kill them and it’s going to be hard. You might be wondering why I’m telling you this. Well,” He swung around to face us interns and people bumped into each other due to the sudden stop, “because this isn’t fucking Grey’s Anatomy or Scrubs or whatever bullshit TV series made you believe you were able to make it as a doctor easily. This is the real life which means that you should forget everything that you think you know about working in a hospital. What those shows don’t show is that seeing people die every day is very much to handle. Nothing you learned in medical school could ever prepare you for the anguish you’re going to experience. I’m not trying to scare you off, of course not. Just be prepared to face the struggles of being a doctor. Only about half of you that are standing in front of me right now are going to reach the end of the training inside this building. Most of that 50% are going to fail because they’re too lazy to work their asses off. It’s in your hands whether you’ll belong to that part or not. In other words, welcome to the adult word.”_

_I exchanged a terrified look with Niall. Damn, was this really the right thing for me? Probably all of my colleagues thought the exact same thing. But, to be honest, I couldn’t care less about the others in this moment, not when I had to worry whether I had wasted two years of my live dreaming about something I might never ever achieve._

_However, here was no more time to think about that as Dr. Tomlinson gave us a sign to follow him into a patient’s room._

_A grin spread on his face as he wished the young woman lying in the bed a good morning and asked how she was feeling today. The woman had a plaster on her temple which covered a suture._

_“Morning, Dr. Tomlinson” she greeted him back, “It’s alright. The painkillers are good at what they do.” The consultant laughed at that a little, before introducing the crowd behind him, “Miss Singer, those are the new interns, it’s their first day. They’re all bloody idiots, so obviously they won’t be allowed to do anything but watch. I hope that’s alright with you?”_

_As the woman nodded, he turned to us again, “This is Sara Singer, 18 years old. She’s been in a car crash last night. The cut on her face is the only consequence of the accident. But her appendix ruptured. You probably wonder why? Well, this jinx here was actually on the way to the hospital because of bad abdominal pain when the other car crashed into hers.”_

_Miss Singer laughed awkwardly; probably intimidated by the way all of us looked at her with an expression of sympathy and surprise._

_Then Dr. Tomlinson continued, “So when the ambulance arrived, there was Miss Singer on the gurney, curled up in foetal position crying in pain, though there was only a bleeding wound on her forehead. The paramedics reported that the girl suddenly started screaming on the ride to the hospital. Before, she had told them about her stomach ache. So they already had the theory it was a ruptured appendix, but of course we had to check it. How did we do that?”_

_In this moment, I couldn’t remember anything I had learned. I knew I knew it, I even remembered sitting on the carpet in Niall’s living room at 2am studying and answering 100% correctly to the question “What procedure applies if a ruptured appendix is suspected?” But right now I had no idea._

_After a moment of silence in the room, wherein the most students raised their hands, Dr. Tomlinson calls out, “Curly! I see you’re not only slow in coming to work but also slow in thinking. You have to know this!”_

_My mouth dropped open as I wanted to say anything to defend myself, but the doctor had already chosen one of my co-interns, a girl with her blonde hair in a pony-tail, who answered the question._

_“Correct. See Curly, that’s how it’s done” Dr. Tomlinson said to me mockingly. I couldn’t believe this was happening._


	2. Chapter 2

_“He hates me” I moaned closing my locker. I turned to face Niall and said, “I managed to have my boss hate me within 48h.” Niall just cracked a little pitying smile._

_“I need a drink. Or maybe 30. How about you?” I asked and Niall nodded._

_“Sounds like a plan to me. Let’s get the hell out of here and to the nearest pub” He said and I mouthed “Quick!” With that, Niall grabbed his jacket from his locker, slammed the door shut and we made our way outside._

_“How much sleep did you get?”I asked Niall after we had ordered our first beers._

_“About five each night, I guess. You?”_

_“Five?” I asked in disbelief, “I got about 3 altogether!”_

_“What?” Now it was Niall’s turn to be in disbelief, “Why’s that?”_

_“Dr. Asshole called me every time he needed anything. I got up like 10 times to get him coffee! Can you believe it?”_

_“Damn” Niall simply said, shaking his head before taking a sip of his beer. “Nice nickname, by the way.”_

_“Thanks. But seriously, what have I done? You were late too, after all!” I said sourly._

_“Maybe it’s your...” he said but stopped midsentence to stare at the barwoman who cleaned the bar in front of us, revealing her cleavage. Damn straight boys._

_I snapped my fingers in front of his face taking him back from his boob-caused trance and asked, “My what?”_

_“Your hair” He finished and shrugged, “It’s curly. And not blonde. Maybe that’s the reason he likes you less than me.”_

_“You’re an idiot” I said shaking my head. “Looks like I’ll just have to suck it and pray to survive the next few years.”_

_“Good luck with that” Niall said, and then turned to the brunette bartender, “Get us a round of whatever you have that helps two doctors bear with the stress of saving lives.”_

_She smiled and said, “Just a moment.” After filling the shot glasses she shifted them over to us and said with a wink towards Niall “It’s on the house.” I rolled my eyes in slight annoyance by how easily this girl jumped on Niall’s chat-up, and grabbed my glass._

_“Guess who’s not going home alone tonight?” Niall said smiling victoriously and raising his glass._

_“You, that girl” I said and I clinked his glass._

_“Exactly” he said and winked at the bartender who smiled back in a seductive manner. We then did the shots. And this round was followed by multiple others between me complaining about Dr. Asshole hating my guts, more or less serious talks about economy and politics, and Niall flirting with the bartender and getting her drunk by convincing her to drink with us. When I had a good buzz going and the bartender was on Niall’s lap, I re-evaluated my career decisions. I should’ve become a bartender and get drunk at work and fuck a hot guy from time to time after I closed early to do so. I wondered if she would get in trouble for that. But then again, who would tell her boss? The pub was empty except for me and the two temporary love-birds sucking up each other’s faces on a barstool. That was when Niall pushed the girl’s top over her head and opened her bra._

_I saw this as my sign to leave, so I got up, pulled out my wallet and left a 50-pound bill on the counter before lurching towards the door and outside. I don’t know how I managed to do so, but I eventually ended up in my bed. I had even gotten out of my clothes._

 

Today I’m happy I didn’t change my career and kept going despite the fact Louis “hated” me. Later I learned what it really was. To this day, I haven’t completely understood his reasoning but whatever. Louis is, and probably will always be, a weirdo. But so am I so basically we fit like two pieces of a puzzle. Or as Louis would say, like an anchor and a rope. Told you, he’s weird.

A little smile creeps on my face thinking about how lucky I am to have him. I have never felt for anybody like I feel for him and nobody has ever understood me like he does. In this moment I remembered how I told him why I wanted to become a doctor when we had been officially together for about three months.

 

_It was a cold November night and I was cuddled up in a blanket on the sofa as I heard the door to my flat being unlocked. I knew it was Louis who came home from work because he and my mother were the only people with spare keys. And I doubted my mother would drive all the way from Holmes Chapel without calling. Also as soon as the door opened I heard Louis’ unique voice calling “Hey darling!”_

_A minute later he jumped on the couch, pecked my lips, laid his head on my lap and smiled up at me._

_“I love my job,” He said grinning._

_“Whose life did you save today?” I asked grinning back at him and stroke his hair._

_“A man’s who lost control over his car and crashed into a tree. The bonnet was entirely compressed, you know like the engine bay was basically on the man’s lap. Every single bone in the legs is broken, the femora of both legs pierced through his bottom. It took us six hours of surgery but now he will survive,” He explained._

_“His femora pierced through his butt? Really?” I asked stunned. How painful that must be._

_“Yes really! Like, they even drilled a bit into the seat, the paramedics told me. It’s gonna be a bitch to heal but he’s going to see his little kids grow up.”_

_My smile vanished as I remembered my dad and I looked up to stare at the opposite wall. I felt Louis shifting his head when he asked “What’s wrong?”_

_“My dad didn’t,” I said and my chest felt heavy, just like it always did when I remembered that fateful day._

_“You mean... Your dad died?” Louis asked carefully and lifted himself from my lap to sit next to me._

_I nodded and said “When I was 14.”_

_“You never told me,” He said silently, his face expressing worry._

_“There was no occasion...” I tried to get out of talking about my dad, even though I knew Louis would be adamant that I’d tell him._

_“What happened back then?” He took my hand in his and caressed his thumb over the back of my hand. I looked into his soft eyes and took a deep breath. My voice quavered as I told him._

_“I was in the car with my dad when a thunderstorm came on and a tree fell onto the street right in front of us. Dad wasn’t able to break so we crashed into the tree. I think I was unconscious for a short time, but when I came round again I saw that the starring wheel was squashed into his stomach and blood dripped from his mouth. I unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of the car and called an ambulance. I only realised I was crying when the emergency call centre guy told me to keep calm. I wiped away my tears and realised I had a cut over my right eyebrow but in that moment I only wanted to help my dad.” Tears were burning in my eyes but I tried my best to hold them back. Louis still held my hand and nodded sympathetically._

_Then I continued “I opened the car boot and searched the first-aid-kit. When I finally found it after what felt like an eternity, I ran to the driver’s side and tried to open the door, but it didn’t. So I ran to the other side and climbed into the passenger seat. I opened the kit on the dashboard, but I had no clue of what to do. So I just grabbed a gauze bandage and put it on my dad’s forehead where he had a bleeding wound. When the ambulance and the fire brigade finally arrived, they had to cut him out of the car. A paramedic took me away from the car to take care of my wounds. I kept crying the whole time. I thought the paramedics would save him, that he would be taken to hospital and that he would be fine. But when they had him out of the car, they didn’t even do anything. I later learned that the starring wheel had caused multiple internal injuries so that he had already bled to death when I was still unconscious myself.”_

_“I’m so sorry, Haz,” Louis said as he placed one of his hands on my cheek to wipe away the tears that had escaped from the corners of my eyes, and kept holding my hand with the other._

_I swallowed hard and said, “It’s... it’s okay, I learned how to live with it.”_

_“But it still hurts,” Louis said as if he had read my mind. I could only nod since I was busier with holding back my tears. “I’d say I understand what it feels like, but I don’t. I guess one doesn’t understand the pain of losing a parent until they do,” he said, putting a curl behind my ear that had fallen into my face. He looked at me with fond eyes, but at the same time I could read hurt in them._

_“He’s the reason I’m becoming a doctor,” I said looking down on our entangled hands. When he didn’t say anything, I explained, “I don’t want to ever feel so helpless again. It was horrible, not knowing what the hell I was doing. And there’s this little part of me that keeps” I swallowed hard. “That keeps thinking, ‘What if I could’ve saved him if I had just known what to do?’”_

_“It’s not your fault”, Louis interrupted “You know that, right?”_

_“I do... I know that there’s nothing I could’ve possibly done, even if I had had the knowledge, because I wouldn’t have been able to get him out of the car.”_

_“No, you’re right. You did your best; other kids of that age would just cry and not even call an ambulance,” Louis said softly “I know this isn’t much of solace, though.”_

_“No, but you are” I said, a little smile growing on my face, “thank you.”_

_“Anytime, babe,” he replied and placed a tender kiss on my forehead. “You know why I’m a doctor?” As I shook my head he told me flourishing his hands and having a huge grin on his face, “When I was 15, we dissected frogs in biology and I loved holding the scalpel in my hand. So I just stole the scalpel and garnered frogs from a nearby pond. In my room, I killed them by wringing their neck and then dissected them. But because they had only died a few minutes before, they bled a lot. Like, the blood literally splattered from their arteries at first ‘cause the heart was still beating. That was so fucking cool, you can’t imagine!”_

_For a second I was speechless, but then I burst into laughter. “What the fuck, Lou! All those innocent frogs! Why did they have to die?”_

_“Hey, it was in the service of science!” He laughed._

_“Sure it was,” I chuckled, “You’re hilarious, man.”_

_“I know I am, but thanks.”_

_I gave him a light smack on the back of his head, because he didn’t deserve any different. Then I realised, he was the first to ever be able to cheer me up that quickly after I had been remembered of my dad. So I kissed him on the lips, because he didn’t deserve any different and because I couldn’t contain myself and because I loved him and simply because I could._


	3. Chapter 3

About 20 minutes later, I’m still leaning against the doorframe and Louis is still next to the patient. I really wonder by now who it is that he’s talking too, because 20 minutes is quite a long time for a normal ward round. Also, I wonder why he hasn’t looked up once. All the time he has just kept looking down on the patient, silently talking to him.

I feel like I should do something, I don’t know what, though. Should I go to him and just ask who it is? Or should I walk away and ask him when I’m home? But before I can make a decision, another memory hits my mind. What is this with all those flashbacks today?

_It was the day before Christmas Eve at 6:30 in the morning. Dr. Tomlinson was in charge of the group of interns I belonged to. After the very first shift, our big group had been divided into groups of five. These groups changed their special field and therefore the consultant doctor in charge of teaching them every four weeks._

_Having Dr. Tomlinson as my consultant meant for me, that I wasn’t going to see an OR from the inside until the next swap as he never chose me as his assistant. And I couldn’t figure out why. Like, he literally just went down the alphabetical order to deploy the interns in assisting in his surgeries, but he always skipped my name. That couldn’t be coincidence, now could it?_

_“Alright”, Dr. Asshole spoke up, glancing down on his clipboard, “Until noon, Dr. Richards will be paged when needed. Afterwards until tonight, it’s Dr. Wood’s turn, then Dr. Althoff’s and then Dr. Horan’s. You know the times of changeover. Let’s hope for a calm day for the sake of the people.”_

_I exchanged an annoyed glance with Niall. Though I wasn’t at all surprised that he had skipped me again, I got really angry. Before, I had always swallowed it but now I couldn’t stop myself._

_“So when is it finally my turn?” I said as calmly as possible, but my voice was already trembling in anger._

_“What?” Dr. Tomlinson asked surprised._

_“You know exactly what I mean” I snapped, “Why do you always skip my name? Is there any reason? Because I can’t figure it out on my own.”_

_“Dr. Styles” He said condescending, “Watch your tongue.”_

_“Is there?” I repeated, stepping forward. I knew that every eye in the room was on me in this moment, but I needed to know what his problem was._

_“I don’t think...” The Arse started but I interrupted._

_“Don’t tell me it’s not true! You always skip my name on purpose. I simply want to know why, and if I can change anything to at least get a chance!”_

_“No. And I don’t want to talk about this any longer.” He said in a tone that didn’t acquiesce in any protest. I didn’t care._

_“Why do you skip my name?” I asked furiously, yet trying to control my volume._

_Now he just glared at me. After what felt like an eternity and a half, he finally said in a very calm, almost scary voice, “You aren’t good enough.”_

_“Excuse me?” I said baffled. He didn’t just say that, did he?_

_“You heard me well enough” He said, clarifying that he meant what he said. The look on his face was as cold and hard as ice._

_“Then teach me!” Another wave of fury rushed through my body. Who did he think he was?_

_“No. You know why? Because you just don’t have any talent at all. You don’t have what it takes to be a doctor and you never will. Any attempts of teaching you would be wasted time which could be used to teach talents like your colleagues. You should really re-evaluate your career choice.”_

_I fought back the tears of anger and humiliation. All I wanted to do was run, but I stood his mischievous look._

_“You can go home now.” He told me, obviously not tolerating any more contradiction and this time, I didn’t. I spun around on my heels and walked as fast as possible. Behind me, I heard Dr. Arse snarling at the others, “What are you waiting for? Start your work!”_

_When I was home, I collapsed on the sofa and stayed there for the rest of the day, only looking at the ceiling. Silent tears were rolling down my cheeks but I didn’t even bother to wipe them away. What would’ve been the use? Truth is I wanted to drown in my own tears. I felt so vulnerable and angry and disappointed. Within five minutes, my dreams had been put on fire and all that was left was a sad pile of ash._

_As I checked my phone after hours of doing nothing, I saw that I had seven missed calls and about 20 texts from Niall, but I ignored them. I didn’t see the point in answering. What was I supposed to say? Lie and tell him I’m fine? As if he’d believe that. Whine about my shattered dreams? That would only make him worry more. So no, I just couldn’t answer._

_Then all of a sudden, I jumped up and ran into the bedroom. I grabbed a bag, slovenly throwing some clothes into it and left the flat. I needed to see my mom, as pathetic as it is. But that was exactly what I was, pathetic._

_When my mom opened the door she first was surprised since it was late in the evening and it was planned that I would arrive a day later but as she saw my face, all red and swollen from crying so much she just pulled me into a comforting hug. That was when I started crying again, but this time loudly. She led me inside so the neighbours wouldn’t see me which I was glad for. I held on tight to her, wetting her t-shirt._

_She didn’t ask any questions until my sobs became more silent and I slowly stopped crying. I pulled away and wiped my eyes and nose._

_“Let’s have a tea,” Mom said and let me into the kitchen. As she put on the kettle she asked, “Wanna tell me what’s wrong?”_

_I nodded and said, “It’s about work.” Then I told her what had happened. Surprisingly, it felt good to get it off my chest, and the tea made a nice warm feeling in my stomach._

_When I finished, my mum was shaking in anger. “What a fucking cunt!” She burst out. This was the first time I heard her swear like that. “Who the fuck does that arsehole think he is that he believes he has the right to talk to you like that?”_

_I tried to calm her down, saying that he was right and that I pretty much asked for it. “Oh don’t you dare put that on yourself! You’re a great doctor and you know that!”_

_“I’m sorry, mom, but what do you know?”_

_“I know what you’ve told me what the other consultants said to you! And just because a huge arse tells you you’re not, doesn’t mean he’s right.”_

_“Mom, Dr. Tomlinson is one of the best doctors in England! If he isn’t able to tell who has what it takes to be a physician and who doesn’t, then who is?” I didn’t understand why but it enraged me that my mother talked badly about him._

_A moment of silence followed in which we just glared at each other. Then she took a deep breath and said calmly, “Do you still want to be a doctor?”_

_I nodded. “I can’t imagine doing anything else.”_

_“Then don’t. Go back there and show Dr. Tomlinson that you do have what it takes to be a doctor. Show him that it’s your dream. Fight it out in the times when you have to work with him. And then with the other consultants you work to be an awesome doctor. I know you can do it.”_

_Did I want that? Was it worth it?_

_“What if I can’t? What if I screw up?” I said doubtfully._

_“You won’t screw up. You’re not the type to do that.”_

_“But what if?”_

_“Then you’ll have to get a new job or drown in your self-pity, but don’t cross your bridges before you come to them,” She said smiling at me. I returned the smile and said,_

_“Thank you for always being there for me.”_

_“Of course I am. That’s my job, just like it’s your job to be doctor.”_

_I got up and pulled my mother into a loving hug._

_“I love you, mom.”_

_“Love you too, darling,” she said and kissed my cheek._


	4. Chapter 4

Just as I turn around to leave, because I’ve made the decision to ask him what’s going later, a young nurse is rushing towards the room. Next thing I know I have to jump aside because otherwise the woman would’ve run straight into me. “Hey, watch where you’re going!” I blurt out shaking my head, but she doesn’t even react. Where is that little person’s respect for the doctors?

She taps Louis on the shoulder who looks up at her startled, and she tells him that she’s sorry to interrupt him but that he has to go see the patient in the room next door. At least she shows some respect towards the consultant, I think. Louis gets up in an unusual slow movement, but then hurries out of the room. I crack a smile at him, but he just keeps walking, looking right through me. Well, what the hell? Since when does he ignore me like that? It’s like he didn’t even remark my presence! Is he angry at me? All of my alarm bells go off at once. Rooted to the spot with my mouth dropped open in disbelieve, I try to remember if I did something that might have pissed him off, but I can’t think of anything.

Then I move towards the patient’s room that Louis has just disappeared into and watch him through the little porthole-like window in the closed door. He only does a quick check-up on the patient and then leaves again. For a second time this day I have to jump to the side to avoid being run into by somebody. But the fact that this “somebody” is my own boyfriend truly concerns me.

“Louis!” I call after him, but he doesn’t hear. I chase after him down the hall as he hurries to the front desk. As I finally reach him, I hear him say, “If you need me, you know where I am. But please, don’t need me.”

Normally I would’ve laughed at his cheeky attitude that some people hate but most love, but not in this very moment when he and his cheeky attitude ignore me and my annoyed and desperate calls. I follow him back into the room he was sitting in before, but before I can reach the patient’s bed another flashback pulls me away from real life.

_I was just having lunch in the cafeteria when my pager went off calling me into the emergency room. Grunting once because I was still as hungry as a bear, I jumped up from my seat and ran to the ER. Putting on gloves I asked Dr. Shanning, one of the casualty surgeons, “What do we have?”_

_“A car accident, two casualties. One of them...” She started but because the first ambulance arrived with his loud siren I couldn’t understand what she was saying. While the ambulance parked with the back towards the ER entrance, Louis... – I mean, Dr. Tomlinson as I was supposed to call him at work – arrived as well, so when the door to the vehicle was opened and the paramedics put the patient out, he took this one over to take him to the OR. The paramedics told him that he was a drunk driver who had crashed into another car up front and what they had pre-diagnosed and done on the ride to the hospital. Then Dr. Tomlinson disappeared with some nurses and his assistants to take the patient to surgery._

_Minutes later, the next ambulance arrived. My friend Liam was one of the paramedics. Handing me the patient record he told Dr. Shanning and me, “Male, 32 years old. Multiple trauma, CCI and burn shock. He was caught inside the burning car until the fire brigade pulled him out. His vital signs are very instable; we had to revive him twice. He’s already been intubated and given 4 litres of Ringer’s solution.”_

_As I checked the patient record for further information, the name written in big letters at the top of the sheet of paper caught my eye. I looked at the patient whose face was burned and cut and covered with blood which made it hard to recognise him. So I turned to Liam for reassurance and asked, “It’s Zayn?” He nodded and climbed back into the ambulance._

_“Shit,” I whispered to myself as we hurried to the OR._

_Hours later, I exited the surgery and pulled off my mask. Throughout the whole operation I had to keep my mind off the fact that this was Zayn, my friend, Louis’ best friend, on the table. But now, I had to sit down. For the moment he was as stable as the case may be but that could change in a matter of minutes. It was sure that he’d have to be operated again the next day even if his condition got better._

_“Is everything okay?” Dr. Shanning asked me when she came to the room I was in, “You seemed to be a bit distant during the surgery.”_

_“Yeah, sure, thank you. I...” I had almost told her what was bugging me but I felt like it wasn’t appropriate. So I lied and said I was just tired. Dr. Shannan told me to get some sleep then. She went away then and so did I._

_In the cafeteria, I saw Louis was standing in front of the coffee vending machine. I walked up to him and asked, “How was the surgery, Dr. Tomlinson?”_

_He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “It was good, the patient didn’t make it. Why do you think I’m already finished? You saw him and how injured he was. Frankly, it’s his own fault and he doesn’t deserve it any different. You don’t drive when you’re drunk. How about the other driver? You assisted didn’t you?”_

_“He’s alive,” I said, nodding. “But Lou... Dr. Tomlinson,” I corrected myself and lowered my voice. “The patient... It’s Zayn.”_

_“What?” He blurted out startled, “My Zayn? As in Zayn Malik?”_

_I nodded and quickly added, “But he’s fine for the moment. Dr. Shanning is pretty positive he’s going to survive.”_

_It was obvious that Louis was having a hard time controlling himself. No wonder, him and Zayn have known each other for many years and have been best friends for just as long.  
_

_“Which room is he in?” He wanted to know._

_“I don’t know, to be honest,” I answered shrugging my shoulders._

_“Great. Just great,” He groaned and rushed past me and towards the lift across the room. I wanted to follow him but I didn’t. He wouldn’t have wanted that as we weren’t dating, officially. We had to keep it a secret because he was my boss and people are quick to assume that you’re being benefited. Then again, Zayn was my patient so it was my right, or better said my job to look after him. So I made my way to the ICU to do that very thing, probably looking quite lost. Which I was, I mean, my brain was a little overtaxed due to my being sleep-deprived and having a little nutrient deficiency, aside from the shock of having a good friend in danger of life._

_Eventually I found Zayn’s room and saw that Louis was in it too. I knocked on the open door but he didn’t even react, so I just walked in and towards the bed. Checking the monitor, I saw his oxygen saturation was with 94% kind of okay regarding the circumstances, and his heart was beating in a slow sinus rhythm. This was good news but of course I was still worried._

_“Did somebody call his family yet?” Louis asked, never looking up from his heavily injured best friend. I shrugged my shoulders as I didn’t know which he obviously didn’t see so he glanced at me demanding a proper answer._

_“I’ll go find out” I said and quickly left the room. In moments like this, it was obvious that he was more my boss than my boyfriend, making me feel inferior to him. I didn’t like that but I couldn’t change it anyway. So I’d always just swallow my pride and submit to my position._

_The nurse at the front desk told me that they didn’t call Zayn’s family as they had Louis deposited as his emergency contact. I thanked her anyway and went back to his room._

_“Oh” was Louis answer when I told him that they hadn’t called his family._

_“Do you want me to do it?” I proposed and this time it was the boyfriend speaking. Louis shook his head though and left the room without further words. This was not the Louis I had known for quite some time but a really sad, deeply worried version of him which I didn’t like at all. I wanted to ease his pain but I didn’t know how to do so, especially not here in the hospital where everybody could see us. A simple tight hug might've already helped a lot but that would have to wait until we were alone at home where nobody could see us._

Louis sits next to the bed again, but this time he’s silent and just holds the patient’s hand. A wave of jealousy rushes through my veins which only incites my anger further. With large steps I go to the opposite side of the bed and finally see the patient’s face. It’s bruised and cut and a tube is sticking out of the man’s mouth.

“Who is that, Louis?” I snap but of course I get no reaction at all. So I look at the monitor to check the name myself. My facial expression changes in a matter of seconds from confusion to shock and back to confusion as the realisation slowly kicks in:

 

That patient in the bed is **me**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment what you think! I appreciate constructive criticism as I want to improve my writing :)


	5. Chapter 5

“Oh well,” I hear a familiar voice behind me. Spite I haven’t heard it in months I recognise it at an instant. I turn around and really, Zayn is sitting on the little table at the opposite wall, his feet dangling a few inches above the floor.  
“I didn’t expect to see you again so soon”, He says and I understand nothing. I look back at myself lying in the bed, then back at Zayn, once more at myself and at Zayn again. So apparently Zayn can see me, which is strange given that apparently no other human could, but then again, why can I see him?

 _It was 3pm when my beeper went off, calling me to Zayn’s room. After running all the way there, I was a little out of breath but I was quick to catch it again. The nurse informed me what was going on, “His vital signs have dropped drastically.”  
_ _I breathed in an out deeply and tried not to show any emotions. I tried to push my worry aside telling myself to imagine it’s not Zayn there who’s causing the alarm to go off like that but just your normal everyday patient._ _I tried to concentrate on the case, not on “the patient” (maybe not calling “the patient” by his name would make it easier not to think about who “the patient” was). “Right now, I’m helping a body stay alive, not a person. A body, not a person. A body, not a person.” I kept telling myself these words while giving more medicaments against the sepsis that had developed._

 _Suddenly the heart monitor showed a ventricular fibrillation. I grabbed the paddles to shock the body just when Dr. Shannon stormed into the room.  
_ _"Hands off!” I shouted and made sure nobody was touching the body when I released the shock. I started the cardiopulmonary resuscitation. After two minutes I shocked him once more and reanimated again. 1_ _0 minutes later, when the resuscitation showed no success, Dr. Shannon told me to stop and to announce him dead but I couldn’t. I kept reanimating and shocking, reanimating and shocking. Dr. Shannon started yelling at me, “Stop it! He won’t come back! The injuries were too much for his body to handle. Put down the goddamn paddles!”_

 _When I didn’t listen, she grabbed me from behind and pulled me back. For a woman of her size she had surprisingly much strength, but obviously I was stronger. I only let go when she slapped me in the face.  
__"Sorry, I had to”, she said but there was no regret to be heard in her voice. My arms trembled from the tension of my muscles. So did my voice when I said,_  
_“Time of death: 3.31pm.”_

 _The nurse turned off the heart monitor that had shown a flat line and had made a long, monotone sound for the past few minutes. You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that had now developed._  
_After about a minute Dr. Shannon said, “What happened? Why didn’t you stop earlier, when it was already obvious that he was dead? I’ve seen you do this multiple times before and you never lost control like that.”_  
_I looked her in the eyes but instead of telling her I just shook my head and turned for the door to leave._  
_“Dr. Styles!” She yelled after me, so I stopped and turned around again. “Are you ok?”_ _I nodded, even though I clearly wasn’t.  
_ _“Alright, then go tell the family what happened.” I nodded and finally got to leave the room. I went down the hall towards the front desk of the ICU to get a phone to call Zayn’s family. But just as I reached it, I saw that his mum and dad as well as Louis were standing on the other side of the door talking. Smiling._

 _Swallowing hard, I made my way to them and greeted them cheerlessly. Right now, it was like I wasn’t even the master of my mouth. The words came out factual without any kind of emotion or sympathy, even though Trisha had started crying about halfway through my statement and Louis had been shaking his head ever since he saw me and my cold, emotionless expression.  
_ _“There was nothing more to do that would’ve kept him alive. I’m sorry.” These were pretty much the standard phrases but I had never before spoken them so drily. But suddenly, a single tear escaped from the corner of my eyes and rolled down my cheek. In the same moment, Louis burst through the door and down the hall of the ICU. Following some stupid instinct or whatever it was, I chased after him and arrived at Zayn’s room just when he let out a long, loud and painful “No!” He stormed inside to his bed, pushing the nurse aside that was undoing all the cables, and leaned over the lifeless, ashen body._

 _“You can’t leave me alone! Zayn, come back! Please!” His voice was trembling and he was almost as pale as Zayn. Suddenly huge teardrops rolled down his cheeks and within seconds his face was utterly wet._ _My heart broke into a million pieces looking at him having this break down. Yet I just stood there and watched him yelling at the dead body beneath him. That was until he started agitating him and even punching him in the shoulder. I grabbed him from behind, and pulled him back. I put myself between him and the bed and held him against me with a tight grip. At first he tried to liberate himself by hitting me in the chest and pulling away, but finally he gave up, collapsing against me. I kept him tight while he grasped the fabric of my scrub and wetted it with his tears. Every single one of his sobs broke my heart a million times so now my tears weren’t anymore those of grieve over a the loss of a good friend, which I hadn’t even fully understood yet, but those of literal physical pain. Nevertheless, I cried silently with my eyes closed._

“Zayn” I state because that’s the only word my mouth seems to be able to form.   
“That’s my name” He answers with the slightest grin on his face, and slides off of the table. When I just look at him in confusion instead of saying anything more, he says, “I love seeing you again, but it’s awful to see you, Harry.” This does in no way lessen my confusion and the look on my face must tell him that exact thing.   
“Do you know why you’re here?”   
“Am I... Am I dead?” My voice is no more than a whisper. But Zayn shakes his head no.  
“Not yet. You’re in a deep coma, but you’re on the edge. That’s why you can see me, but no one else can. And nobody can see you, too.” I nod.   
“Will I die, then?”   
“I don’t know to be honest. Your body looks pretty wrecked if I’m honest. Then again, you’re the doc so why do you ask me?” He giggles in an awfully failing attempt to comfort me.   
“I know nothing, Zayn. I don’t even know why the hell I’m in a hospital bed!” I scream desperately and swing around to face my comatose body. “Wake up! You fucking idiot! How did you get into this situation?! Fuck you man!”  
“Harry, calm down!” Zayn calls, turning me around by my shoulder. His fingers hold a tight grip onto my shoulders, forbidding me to look at myself or at Louis who is still sitting next to the bed in his broken pose.   
“He won’t be able to survive another loss” I whisper, tears filling my eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Louis**

The human heart is an amazing invention of the nature. It delivers oxygen, nutrients and various other essential substances to your organs by pumping a red liquid which is called blood through your veins and arteries. In order to do this, an adult heart contracts and relaxes 60 to 80 times per minute, pumping six to eight litres of blood each minute. This adds up to over 100.000 beats a day. Thank you, heart, for keeping me alive.

Also, fuck you, heart. You son of a bitch leave an incredible pain in my chest to which there’s no means to ease. Instead of just doing your job you keep me from doing mine, which is to make other people’s hearts stay with their job. But no, you, you extravagant diva, you won’t stop acting like you’re having an infarction, making my chest hurt in a way that I didn’t know was possible. Fuck you.

“Dr. Tomlinson?” I hear the voice of a woman say.  
“No” I answer flatly without even looking up to see who’s interrupting me from my hateful thoughts toward my own heart. I hear the woman sigh.  
“Please, Dr. Tomlinson, you need to move a little to the side so I can get to Dr. Styles.”  
My head shoots up at the monitor across from the bed this time. Did Harry’s conditions get worse? How could I have possibly missed any change in his vital signs? Goddamn you heart, just because you’re completely emancipated from the brain with your sinus node being responsible for the heart beat, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to keep the brain from working properly. Fuck you, heart.

“Don’t worry; I just have to change the IV bag, alright?” She says in a meant-to-be comforting manner. Needless to say that it does in no way comfort me but whatever; it’s the thought that counts. When I finally move to the side, the nurse, who I now recognize as Susan, is quick to unplug the old IV bag and to put on a new one. In an almost motherly tone, she tells me to go home for a bit. And I, like a stubborn five year old, just shake my head, frowning.  
“Come on, Dr. Tomlinson, I’m gonna call that paramedic you’re friends with to pick you up. What was his name again?” She says, putting her hand on my upper arm, and it’s obvious she knows his name perfectly. Nice try old lady.  
Nevertheless, I answer, “Liam. Liam Payne. But you don’t need to call him as I’m not going anywhere.” She nods in fake agreement, and then turns around to leave the room. No doubt, she’s going to call him now. Not unlike a petulant child I cross my arms in front of my chest and sit back down on my chair.

Laying my eyes back on this broken boy in the bed in front of me, my muscles loosen so that my arms fall down into my lap. My angry face vanishes into a bland one. What has he ever done to deserve this? What have I done? We save human lives every day; we shouldn’t have to be saved ourselves. Especially not an absolutely gorgeous angel like Harry is. One would think that you have to do something terrible, like killing somebody, to deserve this seemingly endless pain but apparently that is not the case. Just when the wounds of losing my best friend started to heal, they’re ripped open again when the love of my life is hit by a car. How does shit like this even happen?

After some time has passed, my former thesis that Susan would call Liam is proven to be correct as he walks, no storms into the room.  
“Oh gosh,” escapes from his mouth and he covers it with his hand. Slowly and in obvious horror of what he’s seeing, he walks towards the bed.  
“What the hell happened?” He blurts out before looking at me with his eyes wide in shock. I don’t understand how or why, but I state the following sentences in the manner of a doctor instead of that of a confused boy,  
“Early this morning he was hospitalised after he was hit by a car on his way to work. He underwent emergency operation immediately. The surgeon in duty, Dr. Shannon, was able to fix the hemopneumothorax which was a consequence of the serial rip fracture on the left side. He was lucky though; Dr. Shannon told me that one of the broken rips had almost pierced the aorta. Furthermore, his spleen ruptured, but not very severely. Yet he lost a lot of blood due to his many injuries but at the moment he’s stable. We will have to see if the spinal cord has been injured when he wakes up.” I add, “well if he wakes up.” And there he is again, the hopeless, traumatised man who can’t think rationally, let alone assess a condition correctly.

Liam has kept looking back and forth between Harry and me during my explanation, and now he’s shaking his head in disbelieve. Yet he seems to keep a cool head because the next thing he does is grab me by my lower arm and pull me out of the room. In the hallway, he puts his hand on my back and leads me towards the hospital exit telling me how everything is going to be okay and that I shouldn’t lose hope. Somehow, his words actually manage to comfort me, though it’s just a little.

After arriving at my flat, Liam gets out of the car shutting the door behind him, but I stay in my seat, not even unbuckling my seatbelt. When Liam realizes that I haven’t got out, he opens door again, peeking inside.  
“Aren’t you coming?”

I look down on my lap as I feel tears well up in my eyes, biting the insides of my cheeks. Liam then closes his door again and walks to the other side of the car to open my door, then unbuckle my seatbelt and pull me out by upper arm. He does this incredibly easily even though I don’t do anything to make it easier and frankly I have gained quite a few pounds since I turned thirty. It must be because of his everyday work as a paramedic who has to pull people out of cars and onto stretchers.

Without me really realising it, Liam leads me inside and upstairs until we stand in front of my flat door on the second floor. I pull out my keys and open the door when he tells me to. Then we go inside and into the living room where I collapse on the sofa. That’s when the worry eventually overwhelms me and I can’t hold back my tears any longer. So I press my face into the nearest pillow and start sobbing uncontrollably. I feel Liam’s hand stroking over my upper back while my chest feels like a million knives are stabbed into it.

After a long time, my tears finally dry out so I sit up straight. I now see that Liam has been sitting on the floor and that the pillow I have misused as a tissue is entirely wet. Breathing in deeply, I wipe my eyes and apologise, my voice being hoarse from all the crying.  
Liam shakes his head getting up from the floor and sits down next to me, saying “Don’t be sorry. It’s good to let it all out.” I can’t do more than just nod.  
“Are you hungry?” Liam asks but I shake my head because I don’t have any appetite at all.

Suddenly a memory hits my mind and a single giggle escapes my mouth. Liam looks at me questioningly and I sigh. “Remember the party you threw at New Year’s Eve last year?”  
“Of course, but you barely do,” he laughs.  
“Well, that’s true but I remember the most important thing. And I just thought about that and what happened later that year.” A little smile creeps on my face, washing away the worry for a bit.

_I was sitting on the couch on my own while all the other guests were talking and drinking. I did the latter too, and I watched this one young intern that always made my heart go faster and to whom I had been so mean ever since he started working at the hospital. He was talking to Dr. Horan and I felt terrible. By giving him no chance to work in casualty surgery, which was in order to make it easier for me, I had taken away many opportunities for him to learn and to eventually become a great doctor._

_Then I jumped up from my seat, coming to the decision to apologise right now. It couldn’t possibly wait any longer. So I staggered towards him probably spilling half my drink. When I reached him I found it was hard to concentrate. Yet I managed to get the following words out at least a little understandable.  
“I want to apologise. I’ve been a huge asshole to you and I totally understand if you hate me and never want to even see me again. But please hear me out! It's not that you’re a bad doctor, no you're extremely talented. Shit, from what I’ve heard from colleagues you’re one of the best interns this hospital has ever seen. And I don’t hate you, goddamn! I absolutely don't.  Actually it’s the opposite, I like you. Shit man, this is embarrassing but hell, you make me nervous! That’s why I never let you work with me; you make me nervous and you distract me. I know that you’re not going to forgive me just like that... Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you hated me... I guess I said that already? Whatever. Even if you considered continuing your internship at another hospital... No wait this comes out wrong I’m not trying to tell you to leave. Fuck my life, I’m talking nonsense. This is truly embarrassing but what I’m trying to say is that... That I’m sorry.”_

_Now he, and Dr. Horan (who will never be able to take me seriously again), were staring at me. Both of them had their mouths dropped open. I bit my lower lip as I waited for Dr. Styles to say something. I don’t know what I expected to happen, but when he merely said “I’m gonna get a drink” and walked away, I was very disappointed, to say the least. Then I turned around and threw up into Miranda, Liam’s favourite pot plant._


	7. Chapter 7

_The following weeks at work were awkward, like absolutely, blood-freezing, hide-in-a-closet-when-he-walks-towards-me awkward. However, five weeks later when the latter happened for the third time that day, Dr. Styles followed me into the closet I hid in. Or maybe he was just looking to get some syringes or bandages or something because when he spotted me pressed against the wall right next to the door he looked rather surprised._   
_“Is everything okay, Dr. Tomlinson?” He asked. How was it possible that he was so calm like nothing had ever happened? I straightened up and walked to the opposite shelf, quickly grabbing just anything from one of the boxes when I answered._   
_“Yeah sure, what should be? I’m just picking up some...” I looked at my hands to check what I was picking up and felt the urge to facepalm but I acted like it was absolutely normal for a casualty surgeon to need a bunch of those at a time. “Pregnancy tests.” I shoved them into the pocket of my white coat while Dr. Styles nodded awkwardly._

_“Well, it’s good that I finally get to talk to you alone,” he said and I felt all my alarm bells go off._   
_“Look, I thought about what happened at the New Year’s Eve party. I don’t know if this is the right decision but I’m going to forgive you.” He said, stuttering a little which made it obvious that he was nervous. I felt my heart sink when he continued._   
_“I have one condition, though: You will beep me whenever you need an intern. This is to make up for all the times that I could’ve learned from you if you had only let me.”_   
_I nodded without hesitation. God, I was so damn relieved, yet I couldn’t believe my luck._   
_“Thank you,” I said. Then I walked towards him with weak knees, and reached out my hand when I said, “Thank you so much. And again, I’m so, so sorry.”_   
_He shook my hand with a tight grip. Somehow he didn’t let go, but just kept shaking it, looking into my eyes. I felt getting more and more nervous, until I eventually was close to panicking._   
_Next thing I knew, he said “Fuck it” under his breath and suddenly I was pressed against the wall, feverishly making out with him. Just when he started pulling on my scrubs, my beeper went off, ruining the moment. I pulled away unwillingly to check it, groaning a little at the molester._   
_“We have to go, Dr. Styles. There was a huge car crash on the motorway involving a full seated bus so we’ll have a lot of work.” My nervousness was entirely gone and I had an extreme confidence boost. I walked past him, taking him by his wrist casually and dragged him towards the door. Before opening it, I cupped his cheeks and kissed him quickly, having to get up on my tip toes a little._   
_“Wait a moment before you come out so it won’t be suspicious. See you in the ER,” I said and left the room, shutting the door behind me. Then I walked away at a smart pace._

When I return from this trip into my memory I see that Liam isn’t sitting beside me anymore.  
“Liam?” I call out getting up from the sofa. He wouldn’t just leave without saying good bye, would he?  
“Kitchen!” He answers. Reaching the kitchen I see that he’s sitting at the small table and is talking on the phone to someone. I raise an eyebrow at him, but he already answers the question about who he’s talking to before I can even open my mouth when he says, “Yes of course, no problem Mrs. Deakin. I’ll call you when I know something new.” He then says good bye and hangs up.  
“You called my mom?” I ask him, sitting down opposite of Liam.  
“Yeah, I thought she should know what happened. I also called Harry’s mom.”  
“Oh, right, I should’ve probably done that earlier...”  
“No it’s fine, you were busy enough coping with the shock yourself.”  
“Hm...” I know I should’ve been the one to call his family and now I feel incredibly guilty and selfish that I haven’t even thought about it.  
“What did she say?”  
“She was shocked, obviously. She already wanted to drive here right now but I convinced her to wait until the morning so she wouldn’t drive in the dark.”  
“That’s good. Thank you Liam.”  
“Anytime” He smiled at me and I couldn’t be more thankful for a friend like him.

We spend the rest of the night watching different films and getting drunk of wine. Well I get drunk; Liam only has one glass so he would still be able to drive if something happened with Harry. When the second bottle is halfway empty, I start babbling about Harry. It’s a bad habit of mine that when I’m drunk I just start talking about how wonderful he is and I start inviting people to our wedding even though we aren’t even engaged yet. Liam listens making disgusted faces from time to time when I go a little too much into detail about what we did the other night. I also rave about what an incredibly talented young doctor he is and then I whine about how hard it sometimes is to be his boss and to treat him equally to the other interns. Then I also whine about getting old and then Liam groans because he doesn’t think I’m old so I just say, “You just wait till you’re my age! Then we can go on talking about how 35 isn’t old, especially if your boyfriend is 26.”  
“Dude, I’m only a year younger than you.”  
“You don’t understand. I’m closer to being fifty than to being twenty, and fifty definitely is old.”  
Liam doesn’t say anything to that. Instead, he just rolls his eyes and shakes his head but I know that it's only fake annoyance because he smiles right afterwards.

The next morning I wake up and just stare at the ceiling for a good 2 minutes before I slowly start to remember what happened yesterday. But when I do, I just want to go back to the safeness of sleep where I didn’t have to worry if the person I loved the most would ever wake up again. I can’t fall asleep again, though, so I get up and walk to the kitchen. To my surprise Liam is sitting at the table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.  
“Good morning,” He says smiling when he notices me.  
“Morning,” I greet back and walk over to the counter to pour myself some tea in my favourite mug. The realisation that the teapot is empty hits me hard, because Harry makes the tea every morning even though he drinks coffee in the morning. It’s a push into the field of knifes that is Harry’s absence.

Filling water into the electric kettle, I ask Liam, “Did you even go home?”  
“No, I slept on the couch. I was too tired to drive home.”  
“You’re a shitty liar, Liam. I know that you just didn’t want to leave me alone.”  
“Don’t be so far up your own ass, Tomlinson,” He tries but I’ve known him for too long. Nevertheless I don’t say anything more and simply pour the boiling water from the electric kettle into the teapot where I already put two teabags. Then I sit down at the table while I wait for the tea to be ready.

After showering and getting dressed I’m about to go back to the kitchen but Liam is already waiting for me in the hallway with his car keys in his hands. I grab the flat keys and my wallet, and then we leave for the hospital. When we arrive there, Liam tells me that he’ll quickly drive home to shower. Nodding, I unbuckle my seatbelt and get out of the car. If I didn’t work in this place and if my stamina allowed it, I would probably run all the way to Harry’s room. The walk there seems like it’s eternal, but when I finally arrive in front of the door, I have to stop for a minute to stay calm and to prepare for what I’m about to see. Then I enter and just like yesterday, when I saw him for the first time in that bed being connected to all those cables and intubated, I put a hand over my mouth because I still can’t believe what I’m seeing. My heart is in my mouth again as I walk towards him. I sit down on the chair and take his hand in mine. It’s a little comforting that it’s warm, but when I look at him that comfort vanishes again at an instant. His long curls fall into his face loosely, covering the big plaster above his left eyebrow a bit.

“Oh Harry,” I sigh and I feel a lump growing in my throat. Suddenly the door opens and a young nurse walks in.  
“Good morning, Dr. Tomlinson. I didn’t see you come in. How are you?” She greets me cheerfully. I can’t help but smile a little.  
“I’m fine, thank you. Has anything happened over night?”  
“No, he has been stable. Dr. Shannon is going to come every minute for the ward round,” She says while changing the IV-bag. Just when she finishes her sentence, there’s a knock on the door and Dr. Shannon walks in.  
“Ah, good morning, Dr. Tomlinson. How are you?”  
“I’m fine, thanks,” I say for the second time in two minutes.

After Dr. Shannon has checked Harry’s vital signs and has inspected the wounds, she tells me what she plans to do next.  
“He’s doing pretty well. His inflammation values haven’t heightened, so we will most likely operate him tomorrow to fix the fractured ulna.”  
I nod, but suddenly it hits my mind that something doesn’t add up.  
“If it’s all good, why isn’t he awake?” I ask.  
“I am not sure. That’s why I set another MRT scan last night, but the pictures didn’t show anything abnormal,” She sighs. She’s obviously worried that she overlooked something.  
“Can I see the pictures please?”  
She thinks for a moment before answering, “Why not? They’re in the archive.”  
“I’d rather see them right now,” I say, using my infamous I'm-your-boss-tone.  
“Of course, I’ll let an intern bring them to you, alright?”  
“Good, thank you. Apropos interns, shouldn’t there be a hoard of them following you?”  
“Oh they are. I told them to wait outside to keep Dr. Styles privacy... I wouldn’t want to have all of my colleagues gathered around me if I was in his place.”  
“Ah, right, that’s very good, thanks.”  
She shoots me a smile before saying, “I’ll leave now. And don’t worry too much, he’ll be fine.” When I merely nod, she turns around and leaves the room, saying a quick good bye as she reaches the door. I don’t answer.


	8. Chapter 8

**Harry**

The last night was the longest one ever and I spent it walking up and down in front of the bed, thinking. I have been all on my own because Zayn had to leave to do whatever dead people do; apparently it’s not staying with your almost-but-not-quite-dead friends. Finally though, an hour after the sun has raised, the door opens and Louis walks in. My heart breaks when I see that he clutches a hand over his mouth before sitting down on the chair next to the bed. I feel so guilty to put him into so much worry. Why can’t I just wake up?

A few minutes later a nurse walks in and then after some time Dr. Shannon does too. The latter starts talking about how well I was doing and what they were going to do next after checking the bandages around my body. Then Louis asks why I’m not awake and to my surprise and disappointment she doesn’t know. I am not surprised though that Louis wants to check the pictures from the MRT scan himself. It’s no secret that he tends to question Dr. Shannon’s abilities even though she’s a good doctor. Not as good as him obviously but she’s at least average and I learned a lot from her.

I sigh a little when Louis pulls out his best I-am-your-boss-and-I-will-make-your-life-a-living-hell-if-you-don’t-do-what-I-tell-you-to-do-tone when he asks her to get him the pictures as soon as possible. I know it oh too well myself because he sometimes uses it on me too. Intimidated, Dr. Shannon promises to send an intern to bring the pictures. After she has left, Louis sits down and takes my bed again. I walk over to the opposite side of the bed so I can watch him.

“Oh Harry, what are you doing?” He speaks very quietly while he caresses his thumb over the back of my hand like he always does and I just want to jump out of the window because I can’t feel it.   
“Please wake up, baby. Please.” The despair in his voice rips my heart apart.   
“I’m trying,” I speak loudly as if that would make him hear me.  
“I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you do, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. And I know that you love me too, so just do the two of us a favour and fight against whatever is keeping you in this coma. I know that you can do it.”  
By now I feel tears welling up in my eyes and I’m struggling to not let them out.   
“I can hear you, Lou. I swear I’m trying to wake up but I don’t know how to do that!”  
I can see in his face that he’s close to crying, too, which makes it even harder for me not to cry. For a few moments I just look at him, waiting for him to continue talking but he doesn’t. So I speak up again, my voice shaking heavily, “Lou, I can hear you! I want to give you a sign that I’m here but I just don’t know how to! Oh Lou, I’m so sorry.” And now I am crying, and so is he, which makes me cry more.   
“Lou... Please don’t cry! I am not dead! Oh my god, Lou, how can I show you that I’m still here?” Even though I know that he wouldn’t see me even if he did, I yell, “Look at me, please! I am not fucking dead, Lou!”

His head shoots up and for a second I believe it’s actually because he’s hearing me, but no. He turns around to face the door hurriedly wiping away his tears, and yells, “Come in.” There must have been a knock that I overheard because then the door opens, and Niall comes in.  
“Hello, Dr. Tomlinson, I have the MRT pictures for you,” he says, wagging around the brown paper envelope in his hands. Louis stands up and walks towards him, saying, “Ah right, thank you.” He takes the envelope and opens it, pulling out the pictures.   
“And for the hundredths time, you don’t have to call me Dr. Tomlinson, Niall. Just call me Louis, how often do I have to repeat that until you understand?”  
“At least a hundred times more,” Niall says cheekily and I can’t help but roll my eyes at that. He’s convinced that people would start assuming he’s being favoured if they heard him call Louis by his first name which is bullshit because A. Everybody knows he’s been my best friend since Uni and who the hell calls their best friend’s boyfriend by his last name? And B. He’s been favoured since day one, God only knows why. At least I managed to get him to call Louis by his first name when we’re in private, which he had only agreed on two months ago.

Regarding the pictures, which he’s holding against the sun light coming in through the window, Louis chews on his bottom lip like he always does when he’s concentrating. Niall is looking at the pictures too, squinting his eyes a little because that idiot needs glasses but is too proud to wear them outside of the OR. I walk over to have a look as well, but I can’t see anything.   
“Can you find something?” Niall asks, now looking at Louis. He doesn’t react right away but takes a few moments until he slowly shakes his head.  
“No I don’t, but there must be something.” He puts the pictures back into the envelope, thanking Niall again for bringing them to him and he tells him that he’s going to keep them.  
“Okay, I’m gonna get back to work then,” He says and already wants to turn around to leave, but Louis stops him.  
“Are you okay?” He asks out of nowhere, and judging from the look on Niall’s face he doesn’t know what Louis means, but I do. He’s worried about Niall being worried about me. Typical.   
“I mean, he’s your best friend after all.”   
“Ah, well no, not really. That’s why I’m getting back to work now, to get a bit of distraction. Maybe you should do that too?” Niall says with a comforting smile that doesn’t quite meet his sad eyes. For the millionth time today my heart shatters. I hurt the people around me and make them worried sick when I’m literally not doing anything, which is the exact problem.   
“I can’t,” Louis says, turning his head to look at my body.   
“He’ll be fine, he’s a tough man.” Niall pats his back once and Louis looks at him again. He lets out a deep sigh while he nods, and I know that he’s holding back tears again. But Niall doesn’t see that because he doesn’t know him like I do.   
“I’ll come in again before I leave; I figure you’ll still be here?” Louis merely nods.   
“Alright, see you then, Dr. Toml... Louis,” he corrects himself which makes Louis smile a little. Then Niall leaves and Louis sits back down next to me, going back to the exact same position he was in before.

Several minutes later in which Louis doesn't say one word, there's another knock on the door, followed by Liam walking in.   
“How’s it going?” He asks while walking towards the bed. Louis then gives him the newest information about my condition. After that, Liam grabs a chair and sits down right next to Louis, but they don't talk at all. They just sit there looking at me in the bed, either of them letting out more or less heavy sighs from time to time. I feel my heart getting heavy looking at them. There needs to be a way to wake up. Maybe if I close my eyes, concentrate very hardly, and then open them again... Maybe then it’ll be inside my body? I have to try it.

So I close my eyes and keep them squeezed shut for a good minute, clenching my hands to fists. Then I open my eyes, but unfortunately I’m still looking at myself. I can’t help but let out an annoyed moan although I didn’t really expect anything else to happen. Nevertheless I’m disappointed.   
“What’s there to moan about?” I hear Zayn asking behind me.   
“What is there _not_ to moan about?” I ask back and turn around to see him sitting on that table again.   
“Right, sorry.” He doesn’t look like he’s sorry.   
“So, what did you do while you were away?”  
“I tried to find out how you can wake up, but it seems that there’s no way to do that.”  
“Does that mean I’m going to die?” Panic rises in my chest.   
“No, that’s not what I wanted to say. It’s just that you can’t do anything but wait because you can’t affect whether you wake up or not.”  
“Great! Just great! So what, am I going to sit here for the next weeks or months or even years until I wake up or eventually die? You must be kidding me!”   
“Well, yeah, no I’m not... I wish I’d have better news.”

I sigh loudly in desperation. This can’t be real, no, it must be some kind of bad dream I’m having. I mean, I’ve heard of out of body experiences before but I never really believed in them. Now it appears that I’m having one. I want to throw something against a wall but I can’t do that because A. I don’t know if I would even be able to pick up anything in the room, and B. If I was, it would most likely really freak out the people in the room that aren’t in a coma. Therefore I must suppress that urge, but the problem is just that that is easier to say than to do. I try to calm down by breathing in and out deeply. Unfortunately it only works a little, so I try screaming which actually helps quite a lot, much to my own surprise. So I scream, again and again and again, until my throat hurts.


	9. Chapter 9

Hour upon hour passes and the only times somebody talks are when a nurse comes in to change the IV bag. But around noon Liam straightens up and says, “I’m hungry, let’s go to the cafeteria.”  
“Uh I’m not hungry... But you can go, I’ll just wait here,” He replies but his growling stomach betrays his words.  
“C’mon now. When was the last time you ate something? Yesterday for lunch? Because you certainly didn’t eat anything last night or this morning.” I’m not even slightly surprised. For as long as I’ve known Louis he has always been quick to forget to eat when something bugged him.  
“Alright,” Louis agrees, stretching the second syllable, and frowns. Liam reaches out his hand which Louis ignores pointedly, pushing himself up from the seat. Nevertheless Liam puts that very hand on Louis’ back to lead him out of the room. I’m glad Liam is there to take care of Louis because I’m about 99% sure that he wouldn’t leave the side of my bed (except for peeing maybe), and if any of the nurses tried to tell him to go home he’d pull the I’m-your-boss-card.

Some minutes after Louis and Liam left, a nurse comes in followed by my mother. Her reaction is the same as Louis’ this morning, clutching her hand over her mouth and looking at my body in the bed with wide eyes. She merely nods when the nurse tells her that my condition is stable, giving her a comforting smile. The nurse leaves then and mom takes a hand of mine in both of hers, looking devastated. Once again I wished I could communicate with the properly living people.  
“Look at her, Zayn. She’s trying so hard to be strong,” I say, glimpsing at Zayn but turning right back around to face my mother.  
“That’s your mom, isn’t she?”  
“Yeah. She always had that look on her face when my dad died, acting strong in front of everybody, but I used to hear her cry every night.” I swallow hard at the memory and breathe out heavily. Zayn puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

_I lay awake again that night. It had been four month since that car crash and I had stopped crying long ago. All of the tears that had wetted my pillow at night as well as at day time had long dried out, and so had my eyes. All that was left now was this emptiness inside my chest like a part of my heart had literally been ripped out. My mom’s tears were still there, though. It had been 170 consecutive nights of hearing her sobs that were slightly choked by a pillow, but still audible._

_And now I was just waiting to hear it again. When the sun set, I was still awake and I hadn’t heard anything. I first wondered if I had just overheard it but when I got up and went downstairs I found my mother sitting at the kitchen table. She was reading the newspaper, a cup of tea in her hand. She looked rested. There were no dark circles around her eyes. Instead, there was a slight smile on her face. I just stood there in the door not saying anything but I just eyed her suspiciously. I didn’t remember the last time I saw her like that. Had she found back her happiness over night? Had she gotten over her husband of 20 years within one night? Had night 171 changed everything for the better or even back to before night 1? How could that be?_

_She looked up from the newspaper and said almost cheerfully, “Good morning, darling! Did you have a good sleep?”_  
_My jaw dropped slightly open. What the hell was going on? I merely mumbled an affirmative “Hm hm” but I didn’t move._  
 _“Come sit down and have some tea,” she said, getting up to grab me a cup. I slowly went over to the table and sat down in my usual place opposite of mom’s._  
 _“What about you? Did you sleep well?” I asked, looking at her with cocked eyebrows._  
 _“Yes, I did. You look tired, darling, are you sure that you slept well?” Now it was her turn to cock the eyebrows. I shirked from her look and evaluated the situation. Should I be honest and tell her how I’ve lain awake all night only waiting for her to cry or should I lie and say that I was fine? I settled for something in the middle._  
 _“Well, no I didn’t. I was awake almost all night...”_  
 _“Because of your dad, am I right?” I nodded. Technically, this wasn’t a lie. She put her hand on top of mine and stroked her thumb lightly over my knuckles, giving me a comforting smile._

 

I never saw or heard her crying again after that and I never found out what had brought her happiness back that abruptly. It’s been ages since I last thought about that morning but when I remember it now, in this very situation, I realize that she will be okay if I die. Mom will be okay. A huge part of the stone that’s ballasting my heart is being chipped off and put away right now. Nevertheless, the bigger part of the stone is still there and is in spanking condition. I know for sure that that one will never be destroyed. That part of the stone is the consciousness that Louis wouldn’t be okay. He would never be fine again. Maybe if Zayn hadn’t died only a few months ago and if that loss wasn’t still weighing down his heart... Maybe then he would be fine again one day. But that isn’t the case.

When Liam and Louis come back, my mom hasn’t moved much. I believe she has been in deep thought about something, which would also explain why she startles up when the door opens. She lets go off my hand and greets them, smiling sadly. She gives Louis a tight hug, and firmly shakes Liam’s hand, thanking him for his call from the night before.  
“How did this even happen?” She asks and I see tears are welling up in her eyes.  
“He was hit by...” Louis starts, but my mom interrupts him.  
“I know that... I mean... How?” Her lips are not more than a thin line anymore. Louis seems to be confused for a second but then he understands. I do too. She doesn’t mean how, she means why. I’d like to know too, mom...

**Author's Note:**

> If you find any spelling or grammar mistakes, feel free to correct me! Also, I would love to read your opinion on this, so please comment.


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